Dear God, why him?
Dear God,
My brother would have been 30 today. It’s been 10 years since he died, but the loss still burns like it was yesterday. I’ve had so many questions I wanted to ask since that night in November, but I’ve always been too afraid. After all, I was just a child when it happened. I’m an adult now, and I want to ask why?
Why did you let him contract hepatitis through unscreened blood? Why did he have to go through years of torturous sickness that sapped his energy and vitality, only for you to take him in the end? Why did you promise that you’ll never leave us nor forsake us, yet you left my family when we needed you most?
Why did my mother have to go through the pain and trauma of losing another child? She prayed and cried, worshipped and fasted, served like no one else. She still does. Why didn’t you show her mercy by saving her child? Do you know she still calls me by his name sometimes? That she carries the pain in her eyes every time she looks at me? I can tell I remind her of him; I remind her of what she lost.
You gave us hope of his recovery, only to take it away. His sickness dragged on for years, only to end in death. If you were going to take him anyway, why didn’t you make it fast and painless? You grant better deaths to less deserving people every day, why did Ifaleye have to suffer?
Did you know that his death would tear my parents apart and destroy my family forever? I grew up without a place to call home and never knew the joy of a happy family. I don’t think I deserved that.
Ifaleye was good, he was loving and kind. He loved and trusted you with all his heart. He served faithfully in the church and through his all suffering, his faith never wavered. He never stopped believing that you will make him better. I believed it too. Not once did it ever occur to me that he could die, that’s how much I trusted you.
He suffered for years while sickness ravaged his body. I watched him whittle away. I watched his hair fall out as he combed. I watched him become bones. I saw him cry because he was unable to get up on his own to go pee. I saw him beg for mercy. He was only a boy.
How could you stand unmoved? How could you do nothing? You asked that we ask and it shall be given, but you had no intention of giving.
I need answers. My faith has not been the same since Ifaleye passed. I still love you, cautiously and carefully, the same way one loves a partner who has betrayed him. I don’t pray much anymore because I don’t want to be disappointed. I go to church, but it’s hard not to doubt every word. When I got baptized two years ago, it was the first time I didn’t feel angry. I felt relief. It’s been a long road back, and I’m still trying to find my faith.
The truth is I still feel betrayed by you, and most days, I don’t even know if I believe in you. I feel like you left me and my family when we needed you most. You abandoned us. How could I ever trust you again?
Please give me an answer. Give me something. You could have saved him, but you didn’t. There are 7 billion people on this earth, why did it have to be him?
